I try to find a new way everyday to figure out how to deal with the situation at hand. I try to teach myself how to be stronger, how to be tough, but the truth is...I can't. I'm just me. I cry because I care, because I miss him so much. I think about the memories and all I want to do is scream because I want him back so badly. I want to see him smile, I want to hear him laugh, I need all those things. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to live without those things. It's all those things and more that made me who I am today. He made me a better person, we made each other great. I keep replaying a certain day in my head, I keep replaying his words to me. It's those words that keep me going, that keep me hoping. I'm so scared I'll never get Matt back, so scared we will never have the future we hoped for. But every time I have doubt Matt's their to remind me he's there. Like tonight, I had a little break down before going over to his house and when I got over there he was interacting with me and holding my hand. Later after dinner I was sitting on the bench where he was laying and he put his arm around my back, I leaned forward and kissed him, told him I loved him and always would...he started rubbing my back. He'd give me tight squeezes and then continue to rub my back, starting at my neck and all the way down to my waist. I can't even explain the feelings I was feeling. I wanted to freeze time so it would last forever. I just talked to him about our times together, past memories, silly moments, and he just continued to rub my back. God knew my heart was hurting and I truly believe he had his hand on Matt's tonight. We both are holding onto our memories, we both need to remember the good times.
With his year anniversary coming up i find it hard and difficult to deal with. We've come so far but I just can't believed it's almost been a year. It's scary. But I know that the year 2009 has so many good things in store for all of us. Matt will continue to improve, he will continue to amaze us all because he has a will and a drive to get better. We tell him everyday "we're not giving up so neither can you!" I know it's going to continue to be a rough and hard road ahead but I know we can all get through it. That bible verse continues to stick out in my head to this day, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." We might not know what the future holds but we all know that God holds our future. We just have to trust and know everything will be okay.
I was recently told that it's okay to get mad, it's OK to get sad, and it's definitely OK to say "this sucks!" And you know what? It feels really good to say those things out loud. It makes you feel so much better. Because it's okay to feel that way sometimes. It's OK to not always have everything under control.
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