I have thought about this day for so long. I would think about where we would be in a year. What would it be like? I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for what the future will hold. I'm thankful everyday that I have him still to go to and be with and talk to. I'm not going to lie...it's hard. Somedays I can't go there and see him because I don't feel strong enough. But truth is, if I don't see him its harder on me. I still cry everyday for him. I still hope that when I open that door to his house he'll be there standing waiting there for me with open arms, a big smile, and a welcoming hello. I would give anything for that moment. I would give anything for just one more day to hear his voice, see that smile, feel his embrace, and hear his laugh. To think I have been able to get through a whole year without him is amazing to me. He's my whole world. He was what made sense in my life, he kept me going everyday, kept me hoping, kept me dreaming, he was the air I would breathe everyday. He was my best friend that I told everything to. I remember saying on the car ride down to the hospital, "this is just a dream, pinch me so I can wake up..." What I thought was a dream turned into my worst nightmare. Everything still seems like a blurr a year ago, but when I close my eyes I can see everything replay in my dreams. I see the accident, I see him laying there barely holding on, I see us all lined in the hallways crying and holding onto eachother. I hear the monitors and the quiet wisphers of the nurses and doctors. You think that with time it'll all go away, but it still lingers around to haunt you. Even after one year my heart hearts so badly. I feel like I can't breathe, it's like someone is sitting on my chest crushing me. I want so badly to turn back time and change the outcome of the events. But I can't and that is the worst feeling.
In this last year he has come so far and I am so proud of him. When I see him do new things it makes my heart smile again. I get so excited for all the new things that he is doing, it makes me so hopeful that everythings going to be okay. He's going to pull through. I know he is trying so very hard to break through that box he is stuck in. I see it everyday. I can stare into those eyes and see my amazing boyfriend in there. His eyes speak to me. I wish there was something I could do to help him break through. But I'll I can do is be there for him, love him, give him encouragement, and remind him that he can do anything that he puts his mind to. I keep telling him that it's just an injury, and all injuries heal with time. I remind him that there are ways of getting around the injury he just has to find the right path. We all know what it's like to have that voice in our head that tells us we can't do it, it brings us down and makes us feel like there's nothing we can do better. But then there's someone in your life that comes along that reminds you that you are amazing and you can do anything you want to. That's what Matt needs from everyone. He needs to be reminded that it doesn't matter how bad it may seem, he can get better, he can have his life back. It's going to be hard, it's going to be a struggle, there's always an uphill battle that's waiting for us. But once you make that climb and get to the other side you see how wonderful everything can be. I heard this saying the other night, "having people is better then not having any people."
Yesterday I went and met with Jon who does recording here in town. Matt's dad came up with an idea of going and recording our voices for Matt so that he can listen to it throughout the day. So I recorded yesterday. I had wrote out everything I wanted to say so it would be easier. I had to go down memory lane, I had to remember our memories, I had to bring up times that made me feel so in love. It was soooo difficult. But at the same time it made me think about how much we were in love and all the great memories we shared. I began to thank God for all the time I did have with him before the accident. Those times I will never forget, they can never be replaced. It's nothing to be sad about, it's something that I can always remember and hope that someday we can make many more new memories. His dad and I also opened Matt's computer up to look for some pictures. We sat Matt by the computer and we went through all the pictures together. Seeing our pictures put a smile on my face and brighten Matt's face up. He just starred at that computer screen all bright eyed. It made me feel good, it was like he was feeling the same things I was feeling. I just sat there with him and held him. I know for alot of people it's hard to understand how I can feel so empty and lonely because he's still alive and here with us. The thing is, it's so much harder because when you love someone so much it's hard to see them struggle everyday, it's hard to see them in a different state, especially when that person can't vocalize what he's feeling.
I hope that everyone remembers what happened last year. I hope everyone will be careful when they drive, and that everyone will think before they get into a car after they have had a drink. I hope everyone knows who they are getting into a car with before going anywhere. And I truly hope that everyone still remembers who Matt was before this all happened, hold onto that and hope for another chance of seeing that same Matt that we all loved. Keep the prayers going...they are working. Stop by and say hi to him, he likes visitors. Remind him of what to fight for. I can't express my thanks to everyone for everything that you all have done in this past year. Thank you isn't enough.
Matt,
I love you, and I am so proud of everything that you have accomplished so far! Keep working hard and know that I will be here until the end. I will never stop being here for you! I promise.
